It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
