Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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