He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
