there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
