Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
