sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
