So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
