Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
