just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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