If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
organizing the empties. That sober.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
