mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
