Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
