My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
