I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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