i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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