I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
