I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Randomize
