I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
