Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
