I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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