That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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