if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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