Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
