Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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