Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
