that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize
