Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
