best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You made out with two different species that night
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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