i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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