You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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