he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
