I'm so fucking centered right now
Soap is not a condiment
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
