Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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