I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
