our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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