you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
