I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
