living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
