So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
