apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Best friends brother. Beat that.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
