At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Your cock deserves a montage
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
