i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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