see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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