i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
