angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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