Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
