Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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