as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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