Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
