I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
