he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
