textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
