Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
